-Dell Pregame show leaves a lot to be desired. It had the production quality of a midwestern news broadcast.

-Jeanne Zelasko kicks things off, or as I like to call her, preger-tits. She introduces Eric Byrnes on the water, he promptly kisses his dog. Man this guy is a media whore, but I like it, he brings an energy to the game and is enthusiastic about what he does. Hopefully they go to him more than Ken Rosenthal.

-Eric Karros is on, which draws a "nice hair" from my dad. What died on his head?

-Cameras in the clubhouse, that is a cool feature. I love it when broadcasts do this. It gives you an insight into the clubhouse which you never get to see and that is a welcome change from talking heads. Jim Leyland gave his "business is booming" speech, but the highlight is the translator trying to translate his mumbo jumbo to Okajima.

-Jeter and Griffey with Willie Mays. Starts off with Jeter talking about art, ya know, he's such an expert. They seem genuinely excited to be interviewing him. This kinda harkens to what baseball is all about, a lot of history, no other sport has this. The dripping oil paint behind them is a bit unnecessary but the stars in front of it distract it enough.

-Kevin Kennedy is talking about Willie Mays and he has yet to relate it to his Red Sox days. This is a record for him.

-Eric Karros is still struggling with english.

-Next up, the Taco Bell tee challenge. Absolutely the funniest part of the night. The guy, who looked relatively athletic, wouldn't have batted in the starting lineup for squirt team. How embarrassing. It took him until his third hit to reach, gasp, the infield. Well played sir.

-After that, Homer Simpson announces the team. So much "Not The Game" fodder my fingers can't keep up. "Chase Utley, why would I want to do that?" Funny stuff. Ahh Homer.

-I'm genuinely excited about the karaoke show, by the way. Its hosted by Wayne Brady, the best fake laugher in television history.

-Joe Buck, who sounds like God in surround sound, is announcing the starting lineups. Let's listen.

-The players now lineup in between first and second, and second and third. This is new. I kinda like it, it puts them in the center of the field more. Before they used to line up on the lines, and were kind of mixed in with photographers and stuff, this is much better.

-There is a ball mowed into the outfield grass but it looks like the silver surfer went by and left his mark, way ugly.

-Bonds get a big ovation, and around the rest of the country he gets muted. Talk about hometown crowd.

-My dad informs me that Petra Nemcova was caught in the Tsunami and it stripped her clothes off. Mmm.

-Chris Isaak is singing the national anthem. This is the most homoerotic singing of the ceremonial song I have ever heard. His partner looks like a 40 year old alcoholic with facial syphilis. What the hell?

After the song, the airplanes are late by about 15 seconds. This has never happened, I'm surprised it took so long. I mean, to time jets in the air with the subjective timing of a live song, its amazing this doesn't happen more. Oh well, it gave time for Zeanne Zelasko to feed her kids.

-Now the Willie Mays tribute. Classy. He throws the ceremonial first pitch to Jose Reyes and then signs the ball and gives it to Reyes. Whelp, if his career goes downhill, we'll see that on Ebay in a few years along with Manny's grill.

-Ok, now the funniest moment of the night. I don't like to make fun of old people, but Willie Mays, the "Say Hey Kid" is throwing balls into the net behind home!!! HE DOESN'T SEE THE NET! He's trying to throw them to the crowd, but there is the interlaced net behind home in the way! Cut to commercial! Done. Moving on.

BEER 1.

-Eric Byrnes is in the water. He is either drunk or on E. The guy should have been an all-star, instead he is sitting in the bay, behind the stadium, in a wetsuit, with his bulldog Bruin. He should not be so happy, this is not an upgrade.

-In the top of the 1st, Prince Fielder drops Chase Utley's throw that would have been the end of the inning. He is in the lead for the boner of the week award.

-Tim McCarver is talking about Russell Martins father, (seen here) who plays music on the street for money. McCarver says there is a name for this. Yeah, a bum.

-Shh. Utley is up.

-Shit, Ken Rosenthal.

BEER 2.

-Dane Cook announces a commercial for the postseason. Finally, baseball gets a little hip.

-Bonds is up for the second time, and there is a crawl with all of his numbers on the screen. This is unique, and would only be done for Bonds in an all-star game. It fails to mention how many needles though.

That was the cheap shot for the day.

-After Bonds flies out to right, he cracks a joke to Cole Hamels in the dugout, who is thoroughly giddy at the interaction. Then he checks out Bonds.

-JOE BUCK

"Beckett has been bothered by an a situation on his pitching hand. With an avulsion to the middle finger on his right hand, which is a blister, weak skin, or eczema. He uses Stan's Rodeo Ointment to treat it."

THANKS JOE!.

Joe: "Let's go down to Jose Mota. Jose."

Jose: "It gonna rain!"

-Now a lengthy discussion about Barry Bonds and steroids. This is not the place for this. They are hypotheticalizing how many people were on steroids during the 90's. This is a joke. They are having a discussion that belongs in a bar, not on the air, from the broadcasters, during the all-star game. Disgrace.

WOW. A surreal sequence. First Erick Brynes pushes his dog off a boat to go fetch a baseball, then the dog doesn't go after the ball and starts swimming across the bay, Joe Buck warns that there are groups lining up at Fox's door, then Ichiro hits the first inside the park homerun in all-star game history. Just watch.

-Still can't get over what just happened. "My dog has gone adrift." Priceless.

-Shameless plug by Fox for wifi at AT&T Park, with their logo showing up on screen. Fox is a whore.

Paula Cole is hooking up her keyboard on the field. Whatever happened to just, um, singing?

HOLY CHRIST WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND TO PAULA COLE?!?!

They are having technical difficulties. No sound, the stadium is silent.

20 seconds. Still nothing.

30.

Boos.

40.

THIS IS LIVE! PAULA, WE ARE LIVE ON NATIONAL TV!.

Her keyboard player is not wearing a bra. Upgrade.

Paula is not wearing a bra. Downgrade.

Finishing off Beer 2 by the end of the song, her tits are starting to look good...

BEER 3.

-"Definitely worth the wait." Nice save Joe.

-This is an absolutely horribly produced game. Chris Isaak and Paula Cole? Not to mention multiple flaws during the game with cameras, and audio. If this were China, the producer would be executed.


-Ok this is getting long. The game ends with the American League winning 5-4, after it got close.

-A pretty eventful game with all that went on.